Seems like everyone around me are getting into relationships, or getting engaged, or getting married etc etc. I wonder if thats why I feel so conflicted between wanting to be single, and at the same time a huge resounding want to be in a relationship with someone..
Since my breakup with my past boyfriend over a year ago, I’ve loved the single life. Exploring my body, both with men and women. Engaging in my deepest desires without care. Objectifying men and women alike. Letting myself be swept away without a care in the world for feelings or attachments to any one person.
But now, I’ve had a pretty life-changing experience and its put me all out of whack. Ive always felt a certain desire for one of my close friends, but I’ve never wanted to commit to anyone. Until now. And its not that I want just this one person. I’ve been noticing the desire to be close to anyone who goes out of their way to be close to me.
And the vicious cycle continues. I can’t choose which person I want to allow myself to get the closest to.. and its not in my nature to date more than one person at a time. And I start thinking “Can I commit to this person?” and somehow the answer is always no.. Even though I want to, deep down.
So I keep asking myself.. What do I want? I feel like I know - but do I?
I like to flirt, I like to play and I like to lose myself in others. But those things can’t happen if I’m in a relationship. On the other hand, I like to feel a deep connection to someone, I like having a home-away-from-home, I like cooking for someone, I like lying in bed all day with the person I love. But those things can’t happen if I’m single.
FUCK CAN MY HEART AND MY HEAD MAKE UP WHAT THEY WANT?!
“My head tells my heart, let love grow,
But my heart tells my head this time no, this time no”